My Autumn's Done Come

My roommate (one of my best friends who just turned 50) turned into the type of person who gets up at 4:00am and goes jogging and reads the newspaper and shows up for work on time. 

He was surprised that I was awake at 5:00 this morning.

I replied that you don't need as much sleep anymore when you get old. 

"You start getting up at 4 or 5 in the morning or whatever... You powerwalk alone by the lakeshore and feed the geese because all your friends are dead now-"

"Oh, fuck you."

"You don't need a lot of food or sleep anymore because you're so close to joining them-"

"Cunt!"

He's baffled at how I manage to spill coffee everywhere I go. 

"The mug's probably just cracked because you didn't wash it right."

"I didn't wash it right? Oh my god. Seriously?"

Right on cue I knocked my cup off of the desk and got coffee all over the floor, the desk, the walls, and the baseboards.

"I'm not saying a word."

(Ah, fuck me.)

"Sayyyyyyy, that's a nice carpet you have in your bedroom. Be a shame if someone with neuropathy refilled his coffee and came in here to have a friendly chat with you!"

"Don't you dare! Oh look, my rags are all full of coffee now. Should we get you a sippy cup? How is it that you can write software but you can't operate a god damned coffee cup?"

"You'd better be nice to me, Blanche. Nobody else is going to push your wheelchair."

Posted at at November 28, 2016 on Monday, November 28, 2016 by |   | Filed under:

Role Play

I guess there'll be a dowry of two chickens and a goat or whatever.

I've seen the amount of internal accounting controls involved in simply marking down a sales order, heaven only knows what kind of paperwork you'd have to fill out to buy me.

One of my interview questions involved some role play where they needed to save their work because they had 11 minutes before they were killed in a tsunami.

I made a face and asked who on earth would want to spend the last 11 minutes of their life talking to our front-end call center.

What, it's role play! I'm trying to make it believable!

Posted at at November 27, 2016 on Sunday, November 27, 2016 by |   | Filed under:

Fifth Step

I don't trust anyone with my problems anymore.

"So how are you going to do a fourth or a fifth step?"

"Uh, a priest or a hobo or a hooker probably."

"All excellent choices. It just says it has to be another person."

"Exactly. I can rent a birthday clown or a mime to make angry faces at my resentments and scared faces at my fears, and I'd better get a damn good show during my sexual inventory!"

Posted at at November 26, 2016 on Saturday, November 26, 2016 by |   | Filed under: ,

Oh!

"Well there's one thing I won't miss about America. All the obligatory holidays I'm forced to attend."

(Josh): "There's a loaded pistol in my backpack if you can't take it anymore."

"Uhhhh if it was my own family I'd probably take you up on that."

(Josh): "By the way this an orgy house. Michelle's dad is gay, he's a bear and they had a 6-person shower custom built for orgies. Hopefully there aren't any dildos laying around today, I don't need my daughter seeing that."

"Theyyyy wha-?" Good god, no wonder I don't faze you or your wife.

They were nice people. Her father and his partner were apparently the kind of high strung bears who'd hyperventilate over a carelessly flicked cigarette ash landing in the wrong direction on the patio if you know what what I mean though.

The best thing about thanksgiving was their 5-year old daughter announcing that "Grandpa's stuffing tastes like penises."

"I'll bet grandpa's stuffing DOES taste like penises."

:HORRIFIED LOOK FROM MICHELLE:

Posted at at November 25, 2016 on Friday, November 25, 2016 by |   | Filed under:

2am (Breathe)

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.


-- Anna Nalick, 2AM(Breathe)

Posted at at November 23, 2016 on Wednesday, November 23, 2016 by |   | Filed under:

Homeward, onward

I drove from Seattle to Los Angeles and then onward to Austin.

I picked up a couple of Russian hitchhikers in Tucson and they kept me company for the next 1,000 miles or so.

I was a little incredulous at their plans to sleep in a tent out in the desert.

"We are from Russia. And sleeping outside is good for you."

They're on their way to Cuba and then South America via New Orleans and Ft Lauderdale. Any other week I would have taken them the whole way but its a company holiday, I'm off all week, and I have plans for Thanksgiving.

We swapped stories and they told me about working as harvesters out in the marijuana fields out in California and all the strange addicts and miscreants they'd encountered along the way.

"Oh boy, and then you ended up in a car with me."

I'm glad they're experiencing the America that I know and love. ;)

I appreciated having some company because Seattle to Austin is a long, long, long time to be out there alone on a highway and lost in your head.

Their English was decent enough. One of them coined the term "minery," as in a "mine," and this prompted me to come up with ideas like a "minery tour" where you drive a convertible around the back woods of West Virginia and stop at every mine for a coal sample.

That sounds fun. I'd totally do that.

I had a sad, and it was beautiful all the same, when one of the girls sang along to Anna Nalick's "breathe."

I told them that was the album/song I was listening to when I was moving out of Key West.

I'd barbacked at the 801/New Orleans house and one of our DJs (Junior) played the Blake Jarrell remix of that song all the time.

They asked where they could set up a tent and I don't really do that sort of thing, so I took them up on the top of the 360 bridge overlook and I  found them a clearing in the woods. It was pitch black out, and boy aren't they in for a surprise when they wake up to its magnificence.



Posted at at November 23, 2016 on by |   | Filed under:

11:11

On 11/11/15 I found myself in one of those stuffy old church basements somewhere in Texas again, actually identifying with what a speaker had to say for himself for the first time that I could recall in ages.

Some dude I was crushing on had a tattoo of Isaiah 41:10: "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." 

I looked at the clock and noticed that it was 11:11. So I made a wish: I wished that I would never have to sit in another goddamned meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in Austin TX again.

I put the house back on the market the next day.

Then I threw all my shit away, and I moved back to Los Angeles four days later.

Fuck wishing: I make things happen.

The house was under contract in five days, we closed in January.

I'd owned it for 5 years and it was as hard for me to let go of a house and all of my stuff as I guess it is for anyone else. Thats quite a long time for me to stay in one place.

It was a really cute place but I honestly don't miss the $250 bills from Austin Energy. I don't miss mowing the lawn. I don't miss the demon possessed circuit breaker panel that neither myself nor three electricians ever managed to solve.

I do, however, miss my sunflowers and working from home out on the deck under the Texas sun.
I've driven over a million miles now and when I started this trip I hit a tumbleweed about the size of a deer.

I felt bad for running my mascot over.

Some guy I've talked to in passing on and off for the last few years said hi and I really just wanted to turn the car around, drive the 160 miles, and crawl into his bed because being held sounds a lot better than whatever else I've got going on right now.

There were dozens of tumbleweeds rolling around on the interstate at 11:11 last night. Oh well, these are my friends now.

I was supposed to find out on Wednesday if I'm being transferred to another team in Belgium, so I'm in between places and it's kind of hard to plan for the future right now.

This is one of the few times that I'm not drifting around and indecisive about my future by choice.
If they say no, that's fine. I'll just go get an apartment and have my car fixed. I like the job I already have and I am okay with both outcomes.

I was originally going to shelter in place in Los Angeles for a few weeks and maybe hit some of those meetings up again. They were kind of entertaining in LA.

But instead I found myself rolling my eyes and thinking "You did that for eight years and those people wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire."

So I'm just going to key it up and try somewhere else this time.

Posted at at November 19, 2016 on Saturday, November 19, 2016 by |   | Filed under: ,

Spin the Wheel of Geographicals!

Joe Chiriaco traveled from Alabama to watch the Rose Bowl in 1933.

He came upon a place in the California desert, next to what was formerly US-60, and he went "Ah hell, I'll just open a gas station right here."

He never returned to Alabama.

Posted at at November 16, 2016 on Wednesday, November 16, 2016 by |   | Filed under:

Retrograde


You're on your own, in a world you've grown
Few years to go, don't let the hurdle fall

So be the girl you loved,
Be the girl you loved.

I'll wait.

So show me why you're strong
Ignore everybody else, we're alone now.

I'll wait.

So show me why you're strong
Ignore everybody else, we're alone now.

Suddenly I'm hit,
is this darkness of the dawn?

And your friends are gone, and you friends won't come

So show me where you fit, I'll wait.

So show me why you're strong
Ignore everybody else, we're alone now.

I'll wait.


-- James Blake, Retrograde

Posted at at November 11, 2016 on Friday, November 11, 2016 by |   | Filed under: