The Nowhere I'm From

I was asked if I was ever out at this house out in the woods, some old couple who were notorious in the after hours scene.

“I’m persona non grata there.”

He asked me why.

“I broke up with my boyfriend there and he rolled his car three times in their driveway.”

“Oh! Was that that idiot Chris?”

“No, it was Brian.”

I elaborated: Brian had called me on my birthday and said he was working late in Whitewater and he couldn’t meet me for dinner. I never gave it a second thought until someone came up to him at that house and said hey remember when you were here for that sex party over the Fourth of July? It was hot wasn’t it?

It was little Marky, coked out of his mind and cheerfully giving us all a recap about what happened in the hot tub while I sat at home alone.

I looked at Brian and he had that “oh fuck” face as he saw me doing the mental calculations. I calmly headed for the door and tried to ghost on them.

Derek's eyes opened wide.

“I REMEMBER YOU. I asked you if you wanted a taxi or anything, you just said no thanks and left. Everyone was like what the fuck is this guy really going to walk to Madison?”

I stared at him hard for a second and then in that instant we recognized each other from that night.

"Hah. Watch me."

I explained that I'd told Brian I didn’t want a ride and that he’d been drinking too much.

He took it upon himself to get in the car and come after me. I still don’t understand how the fuck you even roll a car three times on gravel doing just under 5MPH.

I was just trying to excuse myself from a situation I didn’t want to be in without causing a scene.

But now there was broken glass and shit strewn all over the driveway and people spilling out of the house to see what just happened.

Naturally, this is all my fault and I’m "crazy."

I’ll tell you what would have been really crazy. Getting in that dudes car and giving him a chance to roll it over a couple times on US-14.

I got ready to leave in the morning.

Derek looked really sad.

He said "I feel like I'm saying goodbye to a friend."

I hugged him.

I kinda like you but I can't stay here.

Posted at at March 26, 2018 on Monday, March 26, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

Information, please

I think those Illinois Tollway signs that tell you it’s 12 minutes to the Jayne Byrne expressway should also include helpful information like the average booking time for DUI in the Cook County Jail.

“Oh for Christ’s sake, SEVEN hours? I ain’t got time for that!”

*Stops texting, shoves Tanqueray bottle and pistol under the passengers seat*

Posted at at March 23, 2018 on Friday, March 23, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

Travel

"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.” 


-- Mark Twain, Innocents Abroad



Posted at at March 23, 2018 on by |   | Filed under: