Destiny

I lie awake
I've gone to ground
I'm watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There's only enough for one in this lonely hotel suite

The journey's long
And it feels so bad
I'm thinking back to the last day we had
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

When I'm weak, I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny

On a clear day
I'll fly home to you
I'm bending time getting back to you
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

Posted at at July 31, 2018 on Tuesday, July 31, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

I always figured I’d eventually find the end of a rainbow if I chased enough of them.





Posted at at July 31, 2018 on by |   | Filed under:

Her

It was a girl in my dream last night and now I remember where else I’ve seen her.

We were both warriors of the light, and the light was sort of a weapon against some sort of opposing forces. 

And we had all participated in battle together before.

I was going to try to direct it at her like a stupid 5-year-old who kills their pet to “see what happens” and then weeps over it.

The only thing was, she was on my side and this wasn’t going to be allowed.

She vanished and dissolved before I could do that.

She was protected.

This makes the spiderweb thing a little more interesting:

She fell through the floor and once again she was protected.

In the other dream we were standing near one of those old basement doors, the kind that open to the outside of the house.

Was it this house? 

Is she the oldest playmate I’ve ever known?

This takes me back to an acid/ketamine trip where I had an apparently unlimited potential to participate in creation and willing things to be.

I had this thought, that if I could create things so easily just by thinking them into existence , then maybe I could d-

I wasn’t allowed to finish that thought and I was sent somewhere else for my own good, maybe even for the good of the creation unfolding before me.

This is a story for some other time.

Posted at at July 26, 2018 on Thursday, July 26, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

Fast Car

I’ve got a fast car,
I don’t trust it to take us anywhere
And it has a mismatched wheel.
Call “Triple A” and have it towed somewhere,
If it dies again I might let her.
It needs new brakes, calipers, and shoes
An O2 sensor or something,
Help me push it, this things gotta move!

We were driving, driving in your car
You broke your strut and your torsion bar
City’s far away, can’t afford to tow her
We’re sitting here broke down on the shoulder 

And I, I
Have spent too much at Autozone
I, I 
Have a feeling something else’ll go wrong
And I, I
Have a feeling it’ll cost a ton
Cost a ton...
Cost a ton...

Posted at at July 26, 2018 on by |   | Filed under:

Nice Car!

I just bought a big box of screws and reattached my bumpers the old fashioned redneck way for now.

People still keep saying “nice car!” even with the damn thing held together with bungee cords.

I’m like, no it’s... really not.

Went on a date in Sacramento last year where the guy said the same thing and I shook my head and told him how unreliable and awful overall it was.

Right on cue, the shift linkage cable broke in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven and I spent 20 minutes disassembling it enough to grab the cable with a pair of vise grips which became my defacto new shift selector for awhile.

I was like “See?”

It was a fun date right up until he left his wallet in a theater and got all grumpy. I could tell he was wondering if I stole it.

I called the theater a few times and a cleaning crew finally found it.

I don’t know, he was just weird after that and I kinda resented his suspicion, and that was that.

We clearly approach our problems in life differently. Me, calmly, with a pair of vise grips and a screwdriver and calls to the theater.

And you, losing your shit over a replaceable debit card and license. Just fucking lol.

Anyway, I told you it wasn’t a nice car. :D

I’ll be patient about finding cheap used parts.

Posted at at July 26, 2018 on by |   | Filed under:

Bee Girl

I finally watched that video for “No Rain.”

I gathered it was about being so depressed you can’t get out of bed. The little girl dressed as a bee was all over Los Angeles and something of an outcast everywhere she went.

I could relate to that.

When she found the gate and all the other bee people to dance with, I went “Awwwwe.”

I never found that gate in LA.

I never found my other bee people in LA.

Except perhaps Nacuntie, bless her heart.

Posted at at July 25, 2018 on Wednesday, July 25, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

The Wedding Planner

Tuesday was Pioneer Day, which is an LDS holiday. Most of Utah was shut down for it.

I had trouble getting an Uber or Lyft ride the first few times I tried. The car was a good half hour away from my hotel but there weren’t any available drivers.

I tried a third time and was informed that Stella would be there with a Toyota Camry in 24 minutes.

Oh, thank God.

Sheila was 75 years old and had a little trouble staying in her lane, bless her heart. She was going to sign off duty and go to lunch with some friends but she said she had this instinct that someone was stranded because of the town being shut down for the holiday and needed a ride so she accepted it.

Yeah well, accurate.

We shared a lot on the drive. She talked about her addict son who passed away from HIV 20 years ago, and she had some funny stories about his addict behavior and the aliases he’d disappear for years at a shot under. He’d claim to be the illegitimate son of Anthony Hopkins. He’d get loans for cars that got repossessed two weeks later. It wasn’t a funny story, yet it was, because I just know it’s like.

I tried not to tear up when she talked about the end of his life.

I told her I was positive as well.

Stella is a wedding planner, “licensed officiant & ordained minister” according to her business card for Affordable Alternative Marriages by Stella.

I asked her if she was, by any chance, ordained by the Universal Life Church.

She said “Yes.”

I said “Me too.”

She looked surprised.

I told her about some of my life’s work.

I asked her if she gets emails from the Rev. Amy Long.

“Yes, I do!”

“Isn’t she amazing?”

I took her card. You never know, maybe someone I know will need some help with that whole marrying thing.

She said she does Grand Canyon weddings and other landmarks and parks and whatnot.

She was a doll.

It was such a lovely conversation, she was glad she picked me up after all.

I certainly was glad she picked me up. There was just this kinship and incredible connection between us.

When she dropped me off she said “I just have to give you a hug, okay?”

Posted at at July 25, 2018 on by |   | Filed under:

"Bumble being"

Jakey described me and my movements as a "bumblebeing."

I smiled.

Someone gets me.


Posted at at July 23, 2018 on Monday, July 23, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

Unstranded

Something cool happened today. You’re aware of the car situation.

It did what it does best, stranding me in some fucking desert or in Texas somewhere.

It’s gonna be a $1550 bill and I was totally fucked.

Mom went to my house and checked my mail and found a $4800 check from the IRS.

Me and my car are gonna come home soon.

God damn i needed something to give, very badly.

Could almost cry and I don’t do that bullshit.

Posted at at July 23, 2018 on by |   | Filed under:

An old quote from Aeon Flux ...

“That which does not kill us makes us stranger.”


— Trevor Goodchild

Posted at at July 23, 2018 on by |   | Filed under:

And this month, my car died in ...

I’m glad we don’t live forever but if we did and if I’d been here since the beginning of time, I think I would have liked to have spent most it sitting down and watching the geography of Utah bursting through the crust of the earth and being carved and whittled and whistled away by the eons to the psychedelic rock landscape it is today for a million or two or three years. I would have been as fascinated as a little kid watching each layer of sediment pile on top of the next at a glacial pace and then watching the wind carving away at it for all of eternity.

But it’s not so bad getting a glimpse of the finished product from the passenger seat of a tow truck on I-15 either.






Posted at at July 21, 2018 on Saturday, July 21, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

“Save it for your own and the ones that you can help.”

Turning 38 kind of went like this:

I wished Rob C a happy birthday. He just said thank you and nothing further.

Even mom forgot about my birthday.

Freddie said “hi” and didn’t respond for two days. I swear to Christ I’ve loved him almost as much as his mom for over 12 years now but I told him “if you ever do come to your senses and ask me out I will blow you off for the next twenty years.”

He replied “dayyyyyyyyum.”

Yeah well, what do you want from me? I've sat around staring at that stupid fucking phone waiting for you to decide if and when I'm worth talking to for a very very very long time.

I directed my attention to the chatroom next. I haven't had the balls to tell Robin that her bitterness is cancerous and that everyone's afraid of her and I need to forgive certain people and move on from whatever happened in order to grow from here.

I don’t want to drink from the bottomless well of their various resentments against each other or listen to people who want all of the “authority” without realizing that it comes with “responsibility” (and bills).

Edit: I originally said I never wanted this or asked for it. It would be more accurate to say that I had the option of saying no, that part of me said “fuck them, it serves them right,” and then decided to provide the requested assistance anyway. This is now an irrelevant point because I did end up deleting the website three months after this post. When I restored it, it meant that it was a choice and that it was a choice I re-affirmed.

I guess all I wanted for my birthday was my life back.




Posted at at July 07, 2018 on Saturday, July 7, 2018 by |   | Filed under: ,

Cellophane

Nobody moves me
I've been through this life
With no place that I can call my own
Thinking above me
I never seem to find anybody that can feel like home
And I try and I try and I try

Funny how it feels
When there's nothing to say
Trapped with my ideals
I can't contain
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
And it knows my name

Nobody told me
Obsessive needs were always following me around
And you can't ignore me
Look at my face and then tell me my place in time

And he's in and she's in and he's in and she's in

Funny how it feels
When there's nothing to say
Trapped with my ideals
I can't contain
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
And it knows my name

And I try and I try

— Amanda Ghost, Cellophane

Posted at at July 07, 2018 on by |   | Filed under:

Somewhere That’s Green

There’s tagged cars on the grass
And we’re all fucked up on weed
I cook like Walter White,
And I'm obsessed with ICP
There's plastic on the furniture
J-Lube and Vaseline,
In the popper scented air,
Somewhere that's greeeeeen. ❤️

Posted at at July 07, 2018 on by |   | Filed under: