Well, hello there unfamiliar bright yellow sky object

Posted at at October 29, 2018 on Monday, October 29, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

Liturgy Service

I opened the program to the first page and I was confronted with the following:

We’re here because we’re people who have heard a rumor that there’s life to be found on the other side of death.

We’re here because just the rumor is enough to bring us hope and just the hope is enough to bring us a moment of life.

We’re here because even though it is only a flicker, a moment, a breath, it’s changed our death forever. Welcome to Liturgy.

Everyone started singing a hymn that wasn’t in the book.

My companion for the day was another fellow traveler, a pastor on sabbatical from her congregation in Kentucky. I learned a trick when you’re a visitor or a newcomer — find other new people and make them feel welcome. 

“You don’t know Let it Shine? It’s an old Black hymn. Didn’t the Jehovah’s Witnesses ever sing that?”

“No. They had their own hymns. Terrible stuff like From House to House, From Door to Door.”

I’ve said a lot of horrible things recently. I’ve failed to resist or speak out. Forgive me and help me to bring Justice on Earth.

During the quiet time I walked past a cubby where they offered “anointing and spiritual healing.” There was a woman in a blanket being embraced, sobbing with a twisted look on her face. God only knows what she’s going through but it was intense.

We returned to our seats and they read through the prayers anonymously submitted by the congregation.

People were lonely.

People were addicted.

People were grieving.

People were struggling with depression,

Someone left an abusive relationship and didn’t know where they were going.

Damn the darkness that makes me feel separated from God.

It was like a punch in the gut realizing that somewhere in this room someone was going through all these things and putting on their bravest face. Suddenly I didn’t feel so alone anymore.

I lost my shit and bawled.

They offered communion:

Child of God
The body of Christ 
Broken for you

I wasn’t sure what you were supposed to say. I raised my wafer, giggled nervously, and said “Cheers.”

The communion volunteer busted out laughing.

It was everything I hoped it would be.

I had showed up feeling hopeless and dead inside. I have to figure out what I’m doing next but I don’t feel like it matters and I don’t really care what’s next.

Maybe I can put one foot in front of the other and do this one more time.

I tried going to an AA meeting afterwards.

The speaker droned on and on and on and on and on and on and on. I’m not saying his story wasn’t compelling, just that after 45 minutes I was squirming in my seat and I had to go.

I got back to the hotel and dug out those drink coupons. 

I’ll take another two glasses of um... communion... please.

Just kidding. I wasn’t able to finish the first glass.

Posted at at October 28, 2018 on Sunday, October 28, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

Sixteen Again

I met some random dude in one of the flyover states.

My car's pissing antifreeze all over the place and I was having trouble finding another gallon of it at the last two truck stops I visited.

He suggested I stop at the Wal-Mart. He said they're open 24 hours and they'd be the only place for miles that had coolant and synthetic oil.

"Just pull over at the next exit, I'll give you a ride."

Shrug, random as hell.

He has a 2011 BMW with more or less the same engine as my car and a misfire on cylinder 1. He complained that he had just replaced his plugs and coils.

I asked him what kind of plugs he used.

Regular spark plugs.

I said you need to use the Bosch 4-prong Platinums, to go ahead and pull those new plugs out and shine a light down in the cylinder and I bet you good money there's been spark detonation up against the cylinder walls.

I guess if you're going to fuck around and remove them you may as well replace them though.

He suggested I get a hotel in the area, but I'm like, not in the mood to do anything that requires privacy. When he told me that his daughters are having a sleepover with another girl visiting I was like, dude, you're responsible for someone else's kid tonight. You need to go home.

We hung out and watched car videos in his car for awhile.

I could tell he was lonely and that he didn't really want to go home.

I get it.

Your kids are a blessing, you get that, right?

I had a half a thought about disappearing into the corn somewhere and spending my days working on our shitty BMWs and watching car videos together.

Sounds fun to me. The older I get, the easier it is for me to be happy with the simple stuff.

But... I don't know there's a story here and this guy's deeply unhappy. Kids and maybe a wife for all I know.

It was good wholesome fun and I had more fun doing that than I have in recent memory I guess.

Posted at at October 27, 2018 on Saturday, October 27, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

Good Enough

It sailed right over Logan’s head when I put my head down on his desk and bawled to this song.

Exactly as one might expect that it would.

I was 27, and kind of going through it with that one. I know all about the bird tearing out its own feathers and beating its body against the cage bars. I was burning myself with cigarettes and I’d swallowed an entire bottle of Ativan after one fight. I don’t know, the dude was always screaming at me over something and I was about to snap like a twig. And then there was Sarah.

Posted at at October 27, 2018 on by |   | Filed under:


I complained about my few remaining beat up possessions and my run down apartment a couple of weeks ago.

I kind of wanted to get better furniture or make the place nicer, but I also didn't want to fall into that trap and blow a couple grand on doing so.

I should have put two and two together when maintenance showed up with an exterminator two weeks ago and casually asked me if I'd had any problems with bed bugs. 

Why no, I hadn't.

I got back into town this evening and I saw one crawl onto the bed.

I'm not even fucking around. I booked a hotel, put a load of clothes and my backpack in the dryer, and called 1-800-GOT-JUNK to come over tomorrow and take it all away.

I checked into the hotel, showered, bagged up and threw away my clothes and shoes.

I'm surprisingly okay with absconding with my car and just enough belongings to fit in my trunk.

I don't care.

I hate my life.

Posted at at October 25, 2018 on Thursday, October 25, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

If we were headed to the moon we’d almost be there already

Posted at at October 24, 2018 on Wednesday, October 24, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

This Number is out of Service

Honestly I am tired of life. And no, eating crayons for five days in some shithole oubliette without my phone or shoelaces won’t make me any less so.

I’ll be back to entertain you with some more bullshit about what I plan to acquire or accomplish and then lose all over again.

Posted at at October 13, 2018 on Saturday, October 13, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

Somebody has a case of the Octobers.

I found the not so pretty side of Utah: 39F, raining the whole way through the state.

Now I know how normal gays feel about driving through Utah!

Everyone looks at me like I’m from another planet when I gush about how STOKED I am to get to drive through Utah or Montana.

Posted at at October 09, 2018 on Tuesday, October 9, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

Lonely Soul

God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls

I believe there's a time and a place
To let your mind drift and get out of this place
I believe there's a day and a place
That we will go to, and I know you want to share.

There's no secret to living
Just keep on walking
There's no secret to dying
Just keep on flying.

I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
I'm gonna die in a space that don't hold my flame.
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls.

I believe there's a time when the cord of life
Should be cut, my friends (Cut the cord, my friend)
I believe there's a time when the cord can be cut
And this vision ends (Let this vision end).

But I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
And I'm gonna cry in a space that don't hold my name.

Walking in the cold
Just keep on flying
There'll be a searchlight
On the mountain high

God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls

I'm a lonely soul.
I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name.
God knows you are lonely souls
Lonely souls
Lonely souls
Lonely souls
I'm a lonely soul.

So long, little chapel
Sweet is the sound
Pack up your light
Pack up your light
Say goodbye to the Holy water life
Sweet sound, in and out
Pushing it out
Pushing it in

— Unkle, Lonely Soul

Posted at at October 08, 2018 on Monday, October 8, 2018 by |   | Filed under:

Something in the Dark

You've been up too late, sitting in a cool room
Staring at the ceiling, waiting for a call. 

​I know where you live, I can hear you breathing
No matter what you do now, tears are gonna fall. 

Something in the dark it's big enough to hold you
It's picking at your heart, a little piece at a time. 
There's a shadow on the wall, you hear voices in an empty room
Something in the dark will get you every time. 
​There's nothing you can say, you haven't said already
There's nowhere you can go that you heaven't been. 
You could have made a deal, when your hands were steady
Before you shut the door on your only friend. 

Something in the dark it's big enough to hold you
It's picking at your heart, a little piece at a time. 
There's a shadow on the wall, you hear voices in an empty room
Something in the dark will get you every time. 
​Then I watch you step, if you ever take one
You could stumble in the darkness, or fumble in the light. 
Your breath is getting heavy, drowning out your footsteps
You can run, run run, and never get it right. 

— JD Souther, Something in the Dark

Posted at at October 06, 2018 on Saturday, October 6, 2018 by |   | Filed under: