My Milkshake Brings All The Boys to Howard Brown

My psychologist at the Center said it seemed like I might have unmitigated ADHD.

She suggested I go to Howard Brown and get put on Ritalin or Adderall or something.

Oh my god, please don't do that to me or anyone unfortunate enough to encounter me. 

I still wouldn't get my homework done because I'd be too busy masturbating or taking my lawnmower apart at 3:00 in the morning on that shit.

Posted at at February 28, 2019 on Thursday, February 28, 2019 by |   | Filed under:


After I deleted the website, I was at a hotel in Utah and having a bad day.

I had a dream where a woman visited me and comforted me and told to put the site back up because it gave a lot of people hope.

She explained to me that the name I chose for myself translates to xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

And that it was unintentional but appropriate, because it described where we were.

She said that I was welcome in Utah.

I woke up and laid there crying for about an hour.

Posted at at February 19, 2019 on Tuesday, February 19, 2019 by |   | Filed under: ,

I just picked a card and I busted out laughing.

"I don't really forgive. I just get tired of fighting and let go."

Posted at at February 15, 2019 on Friday, February 15, 2019 by |   | Filed under: ,

Garbage in, garbage out

So, what do I use the website for?

Welcome people.

Encourage them.

Take their incomprehensible suffering and chaos and hold it in my hands with them.

Talk them through kicking dope.

Don’t try to fix them or tell them what to do.

I do not beg them to go to meetings.

Or anything else.

Yes, I’m a horrible fucking person because I won’t give someone their rightful place at the top of the scratching pole, will someone please arrest me?

*hiss* my preciousssssss

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I’m not trying to create a website that keeps people out.

Though, it accomplishes that if certain criteria are met.

I’m trying to create a website that keeps people in.

I’m taking the cat out of the “hunt game” and removing some hard coded bans when I get home.

I don’t know if you’re growing or changing.

But I am.

Posted at at February 15, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:

I suppose they finally got Al Capone for tax evasion...

Gig’s finally up Carmen San Grodevant, you’re under arrest for talking to people while they’re kicking opiates. 🚨🚨🚨🚨 😂

Bruh I’m pretty sure my local field office and the US Attorney’s office here are gonna be like “oh, is that what he’s up to these days? Thank fuck.”

13,000+ visitors last month and oh no! One or two or maybe FIVE of them don’t like me.

Like, REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t like me.


In my past life 12000 out of 13000 would have said “go overdose and die you faggot.”

Update 8/1/2019: Apparently the only person going to prison is his “wife.”

Let me guess , for felony aggravated upholding of NA principles..... 🙄

I’m skeptical that she even exists ... he lies about everything ... but if she exists and if that really happened, then, no, I would only be “pleased” if Woody himself went to prison.

Posted at at February 15, 2019 on by |   | Filed under: ,

When You're Just Fucking Done with Everybody

Posted at at February 14, 2019 on Thursday, February 14, 2019 by |   | Filed under:


I’m visiting one of my first jobs from 20 years ago.

The president of the company laughed reminiscing about how I threw a fire extinguisher through the diesel mechanic’s windshield and smashed into his truck with my eclipse.

“Why the hell did you do that, anyway?”

“The dude called me a faggot! Right in front of [the VP.] She said I don’t approve of what you did and I don’t usually use this kind of language ... but he was an asshole and he deserved that.”

“Oh really! I didn’t know that.”

“Jesus, what — do you people think I just up and did that without any provocation?”

“Well, maybe. We never know with you.”

He introduced me as some kind of nefarious hacker who can probably get into all of your accounts.

I said “nah I’m not that type of hacker. And besides that, I’m too old to go back to prison.”

My old boss said “no you’re not!”

I said “Okay, well I’m not pretty enough to go to prison and pick and choose who I want to have sex with anymore.”

That smart mouthed prick asked me when that ever mattered before.

Posted at at February 14, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:

I mean, as long as all of my exes STAY in Texas...

I went to my old home group in Texas.

Didn’t see my ex for three straight days, thank you Jesus.

That bitch is gonna fuck a dog when she relapses.

James said “nothing’s changed around here.”

I said “and that’s why I’m not here.”

After thinking about it though? Nothing really changes anywhere else either.

Posted at at February 13, 2019 on Wednesday, February 13, 2019 by |   | Filed under:


12:22 AM <Robin_Y> when you are young they want to peek in your pussy
12:31 AM <misterpickles> When you’re 21, you’re no fun

Posted at at February 12, 2019 on Tuesday, February 12, 2019 by |   | Filed under: ,


It’s not constructive to complain about how I supposedly choose to run the website anymore.

Save your collective outrage for the manner in which I’m forced to run the website.

It’s not so funny anymore when it starts to inconvenience you, you say? 🎤

Posted at at February 11, 2019 on Monday, February 11, 2019 by |   | Filed under:


Faith isn’t the part where you notice your HP present in all things and brimming out of everyone;

That is a form of conscious contact.

It’s the part when it all goes dark for a bit and the whole worlds gone to shit, and you know something’s still out there.

I never promise anyone “it gets better.”

“It” might still be an ordeal and you might still have a few floorboards to crash through.

But “you" will get better.

Posted at at February 11, 2019 on by |   | Filed under: ,


This girl I know needs some shelter
She don't believe anyone can help her
She's doing so much harm, doing so much damage

But you don't want to get involved
You tell her she can manage
And you can't change the way she feels
But you could put your arms around her

I know you want to live yourself
But could you forgive yourself
If you left her just the way
You found her

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow

You're a boy and I'm a girl
But you know you can lean on me
And I don't have no fear
I'll take on any man here
Who says that's not the way it should be

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow

She's a girl and you're a boy
Sometimes you look so small, look so small

You've got a baby of your own
When your baby's grown, she'll be the one
To catch you when you fall

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow

You're a girl and I'm a boy
You're a girl and I'm a boy, yeah
You're a girl and I'm a boy
You're a girl and I'm a boy

Sometimes you look so small, need some shelter
Just runnin' round and round, Helter Skelter

And I've leaned on you for years
Now you can lean on me
And that's more than love, that's the way
It should be

Now I can't change the way you think
But I could put my arms around you
That's just part of the deal
That's the way I feel

I put my arms around you
I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow

You're a boy and I'm a girl
You're a boy and I'm a girl, hey
You're a boy and I'm a girl
You're a boy and I'm a girl, yeah

— Massive Attack, Protection 

Posted at at February 10, 2019 on Sunday, February 10, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Gone and Some

I was bleaching mildew out of the sink drains.

My roommate made a bitchy remark along the lines of “don’t get bleach on the bath mats.”

I responded with a fake laugh.

A few days prior I took a piss in the toilet and it backed up the massive shit he'd taken in it.

I wanted to deal with it after I put my contact lenses in, cause, you know... ew? I don't want to dig around in my eyeballs after that?

I went to my bedroom and put my contact lenses in and then I went into the bathroom and I plunged his shit.

I did not notice that he had gone in there and sent me a nasty text about my "unfinished business" and blasted me about my forgetfulness.

I said nothing after finally getting around to looking at my phone.

I sucked it in and went "fuck you, asshole" under my breath.

I did my usual "thank you for your company and hospitality."

I was well into Arizona by the time he got home and found his keys on his desk.

Posted at at February 09, 2019 on Saturday, February 9, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

How To Identify a Toxic Person

Posted at at February 06, 2019 on Wednesday, February 6, 2019 by |   | Filed under: ,

I liked this place.

I had the first dream where my old cat from when I was a kid jumped off of a cliff and into the ocean water.

Oh no!

I took a couple tentative steps towards the water but the rock face was too steep for me to save her.

I watched her struggle, and she made it out.

She climbed up the face of the rock soaking wet.

She was a stray who had befriended and chosen me, and she was always tough like that.

I woke up crying.

I missed her.

In my second dream I was living in a giant house with floor to ceiling glass walls and a beautiful panoramic view of wheat fields, green landscapes as far as the eye could see.

I went around the perimeter, I was totally stoked.

I sat down at the counter next to someone and we both dozed off on our stools.

At some point I woke up, or so I thought.

A tooth had come out of its socket and broken into two pieces.

I held my hand and I looked at it.

I thought: In dream symbolism, this is something about dishonesty.

I wanted to know what time it was.

I grabbed what I thought was my iPhone and tried to click the home button.

It was a grounded wall tap and I was pressing it in the center.

(There are no iPhones here.)

(I knew I was dreaming.)

Well, what time is it?

There was a broken watch. Maybe it said ...

I heard a voice tell me it was three-something.

Three thirteen?

Three thirty five?

(Does it matter?)

I looked at the person sleeping on my right.

I beamed the thought “I love you” at him.

He woke up and looked at me and smiled.


Now I know I’m dreaming.

What is this place? I like it.

And then there was a loose sliding door I was trying to fix for someone. Or talk about fixing, maybe. They’d used an oversized anchor and cracked the brick and I was debating how to repair it.

I slid it open and went outside.

Then I was outside standing on the top of an old rusty metal slide.

I told a young woman about the situation with the anchor.

She was helping kids down the slide.

I looked at a young boy taking his turn.

I knelt down and I cried.

I felt a hand on the back of my head stroking me and comforting me.

I woke up keening and crying and I wondered how long I had been doing that.

Posted at at February 05, 2019 on Tuesday, February 5, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Some other place I don't know where I am.
Some other place where I don't know anyone.
Some other place where I don't have any friends.
Some other stupid hotel room.
Some other gloomy rain-soaked sky.

Posted at at February 04, 2019 on Monday, February 4, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

I forget who you are, you forget who I am.

All my life's a circle;
Sunrise and sundown;
Moon rolls through the nighttime;
'Til the daybreak comes around.
All my life's a circle;
But I can't tell you why;
Season's spinning round again;
The years keep rollin' by.
It seems like I've been here before;
I can't remember when;
But I have this funny feeling;
That we'll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life;
And all my roads have bends;
There's no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends.
I found you a thousand times;
I guess you done the same;
But then we lose each other;
It's like a children's game;
As I find you here again;
A thought runs through my mind;
Our love is like a circle;
Let's go 'round one more time.
I found you a thousand times;
I guess you done the same;
But then we lose each other;
It's like a children's game;

-- All My Life's a Circle (Harry Chapin)

Posted at at February 04, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:


Diane Bruce is actually kinda cool. She’s an older lesbian and an old school UNIX engineer somewhere out in Oregon.

I was a stupid teenager, the trolls liked to call her Diawhora and I thought that was brilliant. Because, you know, that no-good damned /oper ruined the trolling or takeover party.

I took that channel over because it’s “owner” was a now-convicted kiddie fucker and kiddie videographer named Daniel Dannels who used the place as a trap for young boys. I kinda went through something as a 15 year old runaway, was vulnerable and in tears, and the gross motherfucker used the opportunity to blow me.

First order of business was showing up at the #GayWisconsin get together in Madison. Me, cliffster, and a young man I won’t name who was one of Daniel’s victims showed up for the pedo channel party with a chocolate ex lax pie.

We set it down on a table before anyone noticed.

Temurah looked at me and screamed “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!”

All three of us obliged, and from what I heard, the pie was delicious and there was a loooooong line for the only bathroom in his house.

Then I got to work. Who would have ever guessed that a bot in #GayWisconsin named “cheesehead” would have set a password like “wisconsin?”

I banned Temurah, too.

Get the fuck out of MY house, bitch!

I blew the fuck up out of DanDan’s ICQ app constantly with ICQFlood.

I winnuked the son of a bitch out of existence every time I could ping his static IP address.

He all but gave up on using a computer or a chatroom.

A few of the other kiddie fuckers -- connoisseurs of Daniel's videography and/or 13 year old boys -- did a pretty successful hit job on my reputation, such as it was, in the gay community. I got psycho e-mails pretty much in the same vein as I do from the NA site; and one of them e-mailed my boss at the State Journal/Capital Times informing them that I was crazy and a "gay internet terrorist."

I tried not to beam with pride in front of Nathan Harper when he read it out loud.

Anyone I was interested in was warned that I was riddled with STDs, I was crazy, and to not fuck and/or date me. It’s kind of interesting that Shiloh claims to have firsthand knowledge that all of the other “diseased perverts” avoid me. I'm not necessarily saying Shiloh is a kid toucher or a diseased pervert but what else might he have in common with them?

Not everything that happened there was bad.

I had gotten the job as a sysadmin through said chatroom -- I was talking about Linux, someone said if you can fix our predictive dialer, we'll hire you.

It was an AT&T System V box. I had it fixed in about 10 minutes: Someone from InaCompetent had commented out the lines to respawn the modems in a maintenance window and then they couldn't figure out the issue. The classifieds department was in a panic.

I have that chatroom and that chance encounter to thank for my entire career.

Now I am not a stupid teenager and I’m like, fuck, I might have had a lot in common with Dianora.

Including the fact that she was protective in her domain.

I had reservations about being asked to do what I did here. And definitely some deja vu.

Robin didn’t know any of that about me, but she said “we need a troll in order to beat a troll.”

And it was like, fuck, I really don’t want to be that guy again.

I guess karma really is a bitch.

I'll be "that guy."

Posted at at February 04, 2019 on by |   | Filed under: ,