Not all of those who are lost, wander.

My beat up and stinky old J’s have seen the sands of the Bahia Honda and Jamala Beach but nothing has made my heart more glad than waking up and seeing the red sands of Utah on them.

There’s an old saying in the rooms that “the only thing you have to change is everything,” and even that will never be enough to please a narcis-

Shh, don’t ruin this.

*click, set, go*

Posted at at June 30, 2019 on Sunday, June 30, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

“Deeper heart lines could show that your interpersonal relationships are significant to your life.”

I don't have a heart line anymore, I have a fucking crater.

Posted at at June 29, 2019 on Saturday, June 29, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

An Eye For An Eye Makes The Whole World High

I feel raindrops falling washing off my tears
I been walking through a daydream all my years
Oh I do believe in world peace my dear, I do
Wise women will call your name
If you believe in impossible things
If you believe if it grows from seeds to a beautiful tree
What you want, what you want, you want
Sun don't shine
And we all know why
Bullets keep flying
So many shooting
In the darkest times
Through the darkest night
What you want what you want
Sun don't shine
And we all know why
Bullets keep flying
So many crying
In the darkest night
Through the darkest times
What you want what you want
I can feel it in the air it just grew thin
Then the numbers they be counting coming in
Do you believe in world peace my friend

— Kaytranada, Bullets

Posted at at June 28, 2019 on Friday, June 28, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

The Lottery (A New Chatroom Owner is Nominated)

It’s Tessie,” Mr. Summers said, and his voice was hushed. “Show us her paper, Bill. “

Bill Hutchinson went over to his wife and forced the slip of paper out of her hand. 

It had a black spot on it, the black spot Mr. Summers had made the night before with the heavy pencil in the coal company office. 

Bill Hutchinson held it up, and there was a stir in the crowd.

“All right, folks. ”
 Mr. Summers said. “Let’s finish quickly. “

Although the villagers had forgotten the ritual and lost the original black box, they still remembered to use stones. 

The pile of stones the boys had made earlier was ready; there were stones on the ground with the blowing scraps of paper that had come out of the box 

Delacroix selected a stone so large she had to pick it up with both hands and turned to Mrs. Dunbar. “Come on,” she said. “Hurry up. “

Mrs. Dunbar had small stones in both hands, and she said, gasping for breath: “I can’t run at all. You’ll have to go ahead and I’ll catch up with you. “

The children had stones already. 

And someone gave little Davy Hutchinson a few pebbles.

Tessie Hutchinson was in the center of a cleared space by now, and she held her hands out desperately as the villagers moved in on her. “

It isn’t fair,” she said. 

A stone hit her on the side of the head.

Old Man Warner was saying, “Come on, come on, everyone. ” 

Steve Adams was in the front of the crowd of villagers, with Mrs. Graves beside him.

“It isn’t fair, it isn’t right,” Mrs. Hutchinson screamed, and then they were upon her.

Posted at at June 19, 2019 on Wednesday, June 19, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

We got them pretty good a couple of times.

Full Disclosure: Yeah we fucked with them too.

Here's what I did.

When Betsy and Billy launched***.org , I bought and posted flyers for it all over San Francisco since she was foaming at the mouth about perverts all the time. It took her about five days to melt down and delete her website.

Visitors to were dropped into Betsy's chatroom via Mibbit and they just kept coming ... LOL guuuuurrrrrrrrrrrllllll she was so mad.

The second time around I bought and dropped it into her chatroom since she hates Jesus and the Bible so much.

The room was raided by people sharing videos of the Christchurch Mosque Shooting the night it happened. The thing is, everyone was speaking Portuguese so I am not sure what exactly was going on. I hope I didn't like accidentally turn the VPC into a terror camp or something. :(

Posted at at June 18, 2019 on Tuesday, June 18, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

I don’t say “sober.”

I don’t say “sober.”
I don’t have to chant slogans.
I never need to go back in there.
I can stay home - theirs is no solution.
The only thing that is baffling and cunning
Is that these dumb steppers agree with this shit
I can find the Orange Papers and log on
I can find some detailed info about what they really are.
Accept they are a dangerous cult and make some changes.
I can make some new friends
And not go into that stuffy old church basement with my old ones.
A lot of addicts will go back to meetings, but I don’t have to.
Not if I block my sponsor and call him a jerk.
Take a deep breath...
If I can accept the truth and put away my fantasy about a faith healing treatment for a pseudo disorder 
And that virtually no one stays sober through the steps,
One day I might finally be clean.

Posted at at June 17, 2019 on Monday, June 17, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

The night's still young even if we aren't anymore.

"I told Jeff about you and he asked who you are. I said you were the one where we were all driving down I-55 together somewhere in La Grange and you were throwing rocks and shit at a train. He went 'Oh, that guy!' "

“I told Jeremy about you. He said we're probably going to end up doing a bunch of ecstasy and breaking into a church and declaring our love for each other in front of a half broken Virgin Mary statue. It's almost like he knows us."

"The night's still young."

Posted at at June 15, 2019 on Saturday, June 15, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

"I own the name with the government."

Janis is under the belief that since she incorporated "NACHAT LLC" in the State of New Jersey, she now "owns the name with the government" and "can sue" us and close the other room.

I don't even know where to begin with Janis her sundry fucking delusions and false beliefs -- dear god, that would be a full time job -- but I will take a stab at this particular one.


Just to prove a point, I've obtained the following determination from the US Patent Office.

Posted at at June 14, 2019 on Friday, June 14, 2019 by |   | Filed under: ,

A little story about change from within

The aggressive hard sell at 4:00am does not work with people on the Internet and you're going to run them right out the door.

*** sucia has joined the room.
<sucia> hi
<mc> sucia ?? Oof
<Mike112780> 👋 sucia  welcome
<mc> why that name ??
<sucia> cause I'm not clean
<mc> i know
<mc> but like 😭😭😭
<sucia> lol
<mc> i shouldve thought of that 😪
<Mike112780> sucia: do you want to stop using?
<sucia> im here, right ?
<mc> oof
<mc> heyy calm down there 👇
<Mike112780> We get all kinds offense intended
<sucia> I can only imagine :)
<Mike112780> sucia: have you ever attended NA meetings?
<sucia> just like a real meeting then huh
<sucia> some, we have one on Wednesdays I have not been in a long time
<sucia> and that feels like a very long ways away
<Mike112780> As our literature says: those who attend our meetings regularly stay clean.
<sucia> its 4:00 in the morning I just want to chat instead of getting high
<sucia> I didn't really want my ass jumped all over
<sucia> sorry if that seems rude
<Mike112780> that's a start!
<Mike112780> sucia realize the primary purpose of this chatroom is to carry the NA message of recovery. So yeah attending meetings and chit will be mentioned, often.
<sucia> I have been here several times, it wasn't this aggressive and I don't appreciate that shit
<sucia> I regret coming in now
<Mike112780> can't talk to the drugs....
<•Robert> i was sucia, just testing the waters
<•Robert> i guess you cant talk to the condescension

Posted at at June 14, 2019 on by |   | Filed under: ,

Not Tonight

We went to bed and I started feeling the PTSD creep in.

He put his ear up to my carotid artery and said “your heartbeat changed, you’re worried about something.”

I wasn’t ready for this discussion yet.

He told me to listen to his: It was going about a good 120+ bpm.

He said “that’s what you do to me.”

The thing about PTSD is you either get hyper vigilance or a flight instinct.

(Or both.)

I can fool the latter by going out to my car and listening to music for a few minutes.

It usually satisfies the instinct to leave an environment I’m internally regarding as unsafe or threatening.

Often times I just... actually leave, and that works too.

I was bummed and going aw fuck I would have given anything for this, not tonight, please.

He held his pinkie out and asked me to promise I wouldn’t go home.

I looked him in the eye and said I won’t make a promise unless I’m sure I can keep it.

He accepted that and he had better know exactly what the fuck I mean by that.

And then he did what basically nobody else ever could and calmed me out of it.

Oh my god, this is why it was always you.

Posted at at June 13, 2019 on Thursday, June 13, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

"How do you get one?"

"And for newcomers in their first thirty days, we have a white DUNCE KEYTAG!"

"How do you get one?"

"All you have to do is suck on a pipe, bitch! I'll leave one up here on the box in case you're shy or don't like me and don't want to hug me, or you just like to steal things!"

I left wondering if I would ever attend another one of those dreadful things again.

Posted at at June 12, 2019 on Wednesday, June 12, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Might go to an NA meeting later, idk

Posted at at June 11, 2019 on Tuesday, June 11, 2019 by |   | Filed under:


Everybody prays to god by different names
Tell me your version
You don’t have to play it down or fake it
Don’t give me that bullshit
Driving in the parking lot in the shades with counterfeit leather
Looking like a circus clown
Gone crazy when we are together
Heaven don’t play like violins
I been up over mountains
You’re not a book that I read
But I know how you worry 

But I know how you love me

Everybody frames the stars in silhouettes
A great exhibition
Even if the fates are wrong or innocent
We all want to listen
But it doesn’t pay to wait
For so long on just a reflection
If you want to cash your stake in the answers then ask me the questions
Heaven don’t play like violins
I been up over mountains
You’re not a book that I read
But I know how you worry

Because of you I can’t relax
I can’t be still, moving too fast
Tell me what can I do
I can’t relax
If I can’t be still
Moving too fast
Am I moving too fast?

But I know how you love me

But I know how you love me


Moving too fast, are we moving too slow?
Moving too fast, are we moving too slow?
Moving too fast, are we moving too slow?
Moving too fast, are we moving too slow?

Songwriters: Bulkin Kelsey / Clayton Knight / Harrison Mills

Posted at at June 10, 2019 on Monday, June 10, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

A Scrawny Diseased Pervert With a Short Time to Live

<Shiloh>  If it was real life we could beat their ass
<Shiloh> and would
<Shiloh> He's a scrawny diseased little pervert with a short time to live
<Shiloh> Come on Stan...the LAST thing he wants to be is a "Man"
<Shiloh> Unless they can cure aids and other stds his days are numbered anyway. If the drugs don't kill him the disease will
<Shiloh> He's so fragile now he can hardly type
<Shiloh> He's crap his pants if hhe met either of us on the street
<Shiloh> he can hardly walk
<Stan> Robert have the fucking balls to call me to peace of slime
<Stan> you are slime
<Stan> fucking pussy
<Stan> recovery my ass you fuck peave of shit
<Stan> come on give me what ever you have
<Stan> I am not like the others and scared of you
<Stan> peace of shit

First of all, if I were a frail diseased dying pussy who was so ill that I couldn’t type or walk ... you’d both be disgusting subhuman pieces of shit for violently attacking someone in that condition.

What’s hilarious is that you seem to think it would take a team effort for both of you to beat down such a person. You sound like a couple of pussies to me.

As far as giving you what I have *giggle* ok, sure, my pleasure!!!! I’d love to meet both of you! How does a couple of stun grenades through your windows and a .45/70 sound?

Ever had your ass kicked by a faggot with aids before?

Do you want to?

Posted at at June 10, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:

A Diamond in the Rough

You've heard the way people talk about me
Do you like the things they say
Or do you find it disconcerting and unkind

It's a joke I've learned to live with
Being different from the crowd
They'd like to polish me up
Give me a trim, water me down, make me be like them
But I'm a diamond in the rough
A diamond in the rough

Taking my time
Deciding when to shine
Diamond in the rough
Diamond in the rough
Diamond in the rough
Diamond in the rough

I had hoped that you would love me
Since I could fall in love with you
Could we find our place in each other somewhere tonight
Oh, I hope so

Or has the talk decayed the beauty
That we once began to find
Would you like to polish me up
Give me a trim, water me down, make me be like them
I'm still a diamond in the rough
A diamond in the rough

Taking my time, deciding when to shine
Diamond in the rough
Diamond in the rough
Diamond in the rough, diamond in the rough

Songwriters: Alicia Bridges / Susan Hutcheson

Posted at at June 09, 2019 on Sunday, June 9, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

HEY mister zoo animal! Guess what! I do cocaine!

Shirtless daddy dancing around on Santa Monica screams “you wanna come home with us?”

I hesitated and he yelled “we have coke!!!” 🤔😒🙄😕

Bleh. I guess I look the type, huh.

Good looking enough guy but the wheels that were turning in my head were more like “I want to see Paula Abdul."

Hey, little boy with the ba ba ba ba ba balloon!

His partner cringed and was sufficiently embarrassed for all three of us.

Hey, mister police officer- UH OH!


Dear WeHo: Cocaine is one of the worst drugs known to man, strictly in terms of dollars per minute of enjoyment. 😡

Posted at at June 08, 2019 on Saturday, June 8, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Orange was Right

2:25 PM <JFT_BOT> June 07, 2019
2:25 PM <JFT_BOT> Someone who believes in me
2:25 PM <JFT_BOT> Page 165
2:25 PM <JFT_BOT> Just for today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
2:25 PM <JFT_BOT> Basic Text, p. 100
2:25 PM <JFT_BOT> Not all of us arrive in NA and automatically stay clean. But if we keep coming back, we find in Narcotics Anonymous the support we need for our recovery. Staying clean is easier when we have someone who believes in us even when we don't believe in ourselves.Even the most frequent relapser in NA usually has one staunch supporter who is always there,
2:25 PM <JFT_BOT>  no matter what. It is imperative that we find that one person or group of people who believes in us. When we ask them if we will ever get clean, they will always replay, Yes, you can and you will. Just keep coming back!We all need someone who believes in us, especially when we can't believe in ourselves. When we relapse, we undermine our already s
2:25 PM <JFT_BOT> hattered self-confidence, sometimes so badly that we begin to feel utterly hopeless. At such times, we need the support of our loyal NA friends. They tell us that this can be our last relapse. They know from experience that if we keep coming to meetings,we will eventually get clean and stay clean.It's hard for many of us to believe in ourselves. Bu
2:25 PM <JFT_BOT> t when someone loves us unconditionally, offering support no matter how many times we've relapsed, recovery in NA becomes a little more real for us.
2:25 PM <JFT_BOT> Just for Today: I will find someone who believes in me. I will believe in them.

2:27 PM <robert> And what if none of them believe in you or want to help you
2:28 PM <robert> What if they’re like don’t sponsor him
2:28 PM <robert> Stay away he’s crazy

2:28 PM <CleanBill> what if frogs could fly??
2:28 PM <CleanBill> if frogs could fly they be screwing all the birds

2:29 PM <robert> Must be nice being dumber than a cocker spaniel

2:29 PM <robert>

2:30 PM <Susie> hmm are you calling us retards ?

2:30 PM <robert> Just cleanbill

Posted at at June 07, 2019 on Friday, June 7, 2019 by |   | Filed under: ,

Interactive Flowchart: Is Rob "hacking" Stan's website?

9:55 PM <Susie> oh gosh that pissed him off I remember him saying there is a GD picture of me with dick in my mouth he has gone too far now

Posted at at June 05, 2019 on Wednesday, June 5, 2019 by |   | Filed under: ,

"Dear Fourth Step ..."

🚨 Breaking News: I’m a hacker and an internet troll who does a lot of drugs! ðŸš¨

Shucks, have you been talking to my mom or something?

TL;DL some random psycho dickhead 12 step nazi named Stan Schumacher (yes, the same one making violent and homophobic threats towards me in this post) screaming about what a psycho dickhead I am.

"The more information I gather on Rob..."

Ooooo, I guess the [stan's website] Stasi is building a dossier on me. 

How exciting, it's just like living in East Germany in 1987!!!!

Message 1:

Message 2, a couple of days later:

[Tags: Speaker Jam Fails Compilation, Volume Three]

I’m just going to leave this here:

Posted at at June 04, 2019 on Tuesday, June 4, 2019 by |   | Filed under: ,

[A note from my aunt]

"You are ALWAYS welcome in Church. It is a hospital for sinners and NOT a museum for the saints. We are all flawed in some ways. Heavenly Father loves you every bit as much as He loves anyone else. You are loved by Him. You are loved by me. Your "flaws" have made you who you are. We all have them."

A hospital for sinners and NOT a museum for the saints, damn.

I wish some people in "the program" had the ability to take that one to heart and apply it.

Instead of "Omg, she's flawed, shun her!"

I like these Mormon folks, they're based as heck and some of the nicest people I've ever met.

They have what they like to refer to as "friends."

You should be so lucky as to call such people friends.

I've heard other assessments but I am only able to speak to my own experience.

There are a lot of unlikely places that I tread and find myself accepted and welcomed.

And they're always the places that everyone seems to assure me that I couldn't possibly ever be.

Meanwhile, the ones where I’m told I will be ...

Ya ever get sick of spending your whole life being lied to ?

Posted at at June 03, 2019 on Monday, June 3, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Honestly, drinking NA coffee is sufficient punishment.

I stopped into my old home group in Los Angeles to pour myself a coffee and leave without putting a dollar in the basket.

I dodged a fake “oh, it’s good to see you” or two and got the most rancid look from the greeter as I drove off.



Posted at at June 03, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:


I remember this one time I got run out of Lincoln Nebraska for being such a home wrecking hussy.

Gurrrrrrrrrl, them bitches had pitchforks and torches out!

*click* *click* *click*

Posted at at June 03, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:


I drove past the town square and got a whiff of some freshly cut grass and flowers.

This is the spot.

I parked and went exploring for awhile.

I took a big whiff of a pine tree and wondered how long it's been since I had smelled a pine tree.

I watched a caterpillar crawl through the flowers.

I watched tiny little sweat bees frolic in the pollen.

If you're "worried about the bees," plant some flowers for them. 

Better yet, plant a lot of flowers for them.

A hummingbird appeared out of nowhere.

Children screeched and laughed and played in the park.

An older couple sat down in the gazebo with a picnic lunch and talked to me for a few minutes.

Everyone was so relaxed.

Everything felt so ... safe.

I loved the sensation of the earth below me, this whole place has an energy where I unknot, unwind, and feel some kind of peace flowing through me.

This place loves me and I love it back.

I took a guided tour of the local Mormon tabernacle.

I have a few Mormon relatives who are very earnest about their love for God and their family. They’re lovely and accept me exactly the way I am.

And I love them and accept them the way they are too.

I have other relatives who cry and moan about them and their beliefs or politics. I’m always like, what? They’re amazing. They’re good people. They are so kind to me.

They love the snot out of you, too.

Today I felt inspired to learn more about their faith and culture.

I really liked how our guide described times when the local Catholics held mass in their tabernacle.

She said we all come from the same God.

God is God.

And sometimes we’re like children with the same father, fighting with one another.

Having mentioned that I wanted to understand Heather and Debra and their faith a little bit better, this Sister from the mission who was providing our tour told told me she had something for me:

Now I understand them a little bit better which is what I set about wanting to accomplish today.

Should the earth be restored to its paradisiacal glory, may it be just like this town square.

For as badly as our planet is being screwed up, these guys washed the acid out of the soil here and gave it the nutrients it needed. They made life thrive and flourish here. They are impressive stewards of the planet, their communities, and their land.

I wanted to go to the service today but I was embarrassed to go all tattooed up in blue jeans and a T-shirt, I didn't pack any nice clothes for this trip.

The sky was bright blue.

This city was so quiet.

I thought, "this is pretty much it for America."

When they ruin this place, too, it's all over.

I drove out of town and into the desert.

I tried to climb a rock formation but the ole' ticker let me know it wasn't up for this today.

But I can make it another 5 feet and take in the scenery from the next plateau.

I thought about the people I met today: Simple, earnest, kind folk who unashamedly love God and Jesus and try to love others to the best of their ability.

While I am perplexed at why my family has such a problem with this, I also remember when I used to sneer at that.

I thought about how crazy and nasty certain people in the rooms of AA and NA have been.

How some of them realllllly wanted to make sure I would never have a place in that community.

I thought about how vindictive and horrible certain gays have been to encounter.

And how some of them have reaaaaaalllly wanted to make sure I would never have a place in that community, either.

I've pretty much wasted most of my life looking for a place in either of those realms.

I've tried to espouse having a welcoming and encouraging attitude towards whoever I could. I wish I'd have instead spent it surrounded by other people who shared these values.

Such as you might find if you had participated in a decent church instead of a 12-step program.

However I wouldn't have realized how important these things were if they had not been denied me.

I asked God:

Hey if I ever come back here, can I just sit this next one out and relax and chill and smell the fresh cut grass and the flowers in some place like this? And just sit here unafraid and at peace with everything?

But then would I be so moved by this? 

Would I be soaring inside with appreciation for these small things?

Would I even notice them at all?

I guess I was meant to know the darkness underneath all of this and contemplate things like community and identity.

One of the rocks on the ground in front of me stood out and caught my attention.

I was in the shade and it looked like a black rock sitting in the middle of all of the red rocks.

I normally believe in not taking anything from nature or leaving anything in nature.

But I took this one.

When I got back to my car I set it on the dashboard.

Once I was in the sunlight I could see that it was actually a grimy, dirty, stained red rock -- exactly like the others underneath all of that.

I took this back to feeling unworthy of attending a service today because I don't have nice clothes.

Or because I have all of these stupid tattoos that I now regret.

I took this back to a "certain individual" attacking me on the basis of allegedly "using" or being otherwise flawed in whatever ways he cares to either invent or exxagerate, desperately trying to convince other people that I am unworthy or don't deserve a place in a community that I pretty much rescued/revived and then played a pivotal role in shaping and fostering the current tone of. Some would say that I don't belong here because I am a grubby and flawed rock that stands out from the others.

I felt like I was like this small chunk of rock:

Stained and dirty and looking out of place.

Like it didn't belong here or it wasn't even made of the same stuff.

Except that it totally was made of the same stuff and it totally does belong here.

Some day I will be scrubbed clean of my hurt and alienation and sin and everything I carry with me.

Some day I will forget this notion that I am not like the other rocks surrounding me.

Posted at at June 02, 2019 on Sunday, June 2, 2019 by |   | Filed under: