Current Status 😒

Beauty can be sad; you're proof of that
When the damage is done, you're damaged goods
That's not to say it's not okay
I wouldn't have it any other way

A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works
A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works

Sweet, sweet pain comes with the sun
Lie down and soak it up, burn off layers of insulators
Exposed nose to the cold, I'm bleeding pretty colors
Yeah, all over myself

A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works
A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works

Black wave comes to take me away
I ride it almost to the grave
Landing on a crowded shore, high-fiving
What a trip; I'm better for it
I feel a live sensation

A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works
A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works
A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works
A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works
A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works
A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works

— Juliana Hatfield, Universal Heartbeat

Posted at at July 26, 2019 on Friday, July 26, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Well, then.

I think that I would prefer to die loaded than put myself in a situation where I let another toxic, fucked up, malicious, dishonest shithead twelve stepper get their talons around me again in real life or on the Internet.

If only I could find it in myself to despise drugs and alcohol as much as I despise AA and NA and the fucking assholes that both of them are overrun with.

It took me about a month of classes for drug counseling for me to realize that AA and NA were even more fucking useless and flawed than I already thought they were. Everything I was being told ran counter to what I’d picked up in eleven years in the rooms. I was in a place where I was willing to listen to some new information and accept it.

Not like that weird lady who had a fit in orientation or anyone who objected in class to anything that didn’t resonate with AA culture or teachings.

THATS NOT TRUE, THAT NEVER HAPPENS, AA WORKS.

Oh my god, a lot of things happen in this world every day that are horrifying. Whether or not you’re personally aware of any of them happening does not make them any less true.

True Nut Job Believers were both amusing and horrifying in class — they’d give their testimony about how they were saved from a park bench and were there to save EVERYONE with AA. It was kind of funny watching licensed professionals — even a couple psychologists and therapists just trying to expand their training — trying to not choke on their coffee or belie any reaction whatsoever to these irrelevant outbursts.

I don’t know. I was happy to be there and enjoying myself. But I also hadn’t been working all day before class either.

This is the reason that the bar needs to be set a little bit higher than “any idiot with a GED who scraped himself off of a park bench and joined a stupid fucking cult and wants to use this job to tell every client he encounters to join his stupid fucking cult too... whether or not it makes sense for that client ...and also presumably to tell anyone who his stupid fucking cult wasn't helpful in ANY way shape or form to that they just need to go back and try even harder this time.”

That’s when I started realizing that people who don’t listen to you and immediately shove you into their agenda for you are not as helpful as they think they are.

AA is like playing the lottery, some asshole wins the jackpot and tells the rest of us that playing lotto TOTALLY worked for them and we should sell everything and buy scratch off tickets.

Whatever, new girl. Stick around and watch the 5 year, 10 year, and 20 year drop out rates.

“Our movements have torn a hole through you.”

Oh, well.

Posted at at July 22, 2019 on Monday, July 22, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

The betsy bot is actually kind of spot on



Posted at at July 16, 2019 on Tuesday, July 16, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Fast Facts about Black Beans

They're black.

And they're beans.

We put them into these here tin cans, you see.

What can you tell me about your lives if this town is a place that you find yourselves rescued to instead of rescued from?

Only this:

Daddy usually prefers the company of Dustin.

Posted at at July 15, 2019 on Monday, July 15, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Daddy

Daddy’s worth millions but he left you where he found you busting your ass working your second shift for the day in a restaurant off of some dirt road over in this rural town.

I’m not sure why you wish you were his and only his.

Maybe it’s the way he checks up on you.

Maybe it’s the way he keeps you from your friends.

Maybe it’s the way he keeps you at arms length and doesn’t give you what you want.

Doesn’t that just make you weak in the knees?

You say this man could change your life, if only.

You sound lonely.

Maybe someday Daddy will whisk you away to that factory town that the rest of the world rolls their windows up and holds their noses for and drives through as quickly as possible. Perhaps you can take a tour of the cannery together and learn everything there is to know about black beans.

And then what?

A quiet lifetime of whispering to faceless men a hundred miles away in their homes with their great big walk in closets in which they will neatly fold and put their sexuality away at night along with any scent or trace or memory of you before they kiss their wives goodnight?

Changing people’s lives doesn’t give you a lot to show for it other than changing people’s lives.

I wonder if Daddy ever thinks about the patterns in your irises when you’re not in his arms at night.

Posted at at July 14, 2019 on Sunday, July 14, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Sonrisa

“Hablas español?”

“Un poco.”

“Poquito?”

“Si.”

“What do you know in Spanish?“

No encuentro nada en esta oscuridad
No encuentro nada en esta oscuridad
Pero cuando te siento llegar , ah hah
Se va


Posted at at July 12, 2019 on Friday, July 12, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

I will take that as a compliment.

I woke up from a dream:

“Your movements are beginning to wear US out.”

I sat up in bed and grinned harder than I ever have in my life.

Posted at at July 11, 2019 on Thursday, July 11, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Now I see why Chris liked this place so much


Posted at at July 11, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:

Hearts Collide

I don't mind being alone
Keep myself to myself
I walk the streets in the rain
And keep my head down

'Cause I've been brokenhearted
And maybe I'm guilty of the same
But suddenly something started
I'm like a moth into the flame

Baby when our hearts collide
We're leaving a whole world behind
The planets and the stars align
Holding back the hands of time

Feet kept firm on the ground
But my head got lost in the clouds
Hands in pockets and dreams
In hidden places

So I've been brokenhearted
And may be I'm guilty of the same
But suddenly something started
I'm like a moth into the flame

Baby when our hearts collide
We're leaving a whole world behind
The planets and the stars align
Holding back the hands of time

'Cause the past is over and the future's far away

Maybe heaven sends a sign
Baby when our hearts collide
Baby when our hearts collide
We're leaving a whole world behind
The planets and the stars align
Holding back the hands of time

'Cause the past is over and the future's far away

Maybe heaven sends a sign
Baby when our hearts collide
Baby when our hearts collide
Baby when our hearts collide

— Little Boots , Hearts Collide

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Richard Stannard / Julian Peake / Victoria Hesketh

Posted at at July 09, 2019 on Tuesday, July 9, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

MMFWCL


Posted at at July 08, 2019 on Monday, July 8, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

SAMHSA

In 2008 or so I was working for ACS Healthcare doing the re-design work for health.gov and healthfinder.gov — new Dell servers, some shit had been hacked by China, some other issues.

I was working out of SAMHSA’s offices in... fuck I don’t even know where, Rockville Maryland or something like that? I always called it Rocktropolis in my old blog.

I used to do rails of coke in SAMHSA’s office, which I thought was fucking HILARIOUS.

It might have just been the call center. Small world huh?

You probably don’t believe me, but I guarantee you anyone who knows me will be like, yeah, if anyone did that it would be that fucking queen.

For what it’s worth I carried a sack and was sniffing it everywhere, it’s not like SAMHSA was special.

Weirdest little known fact about the Department of Health is that it’s actually a separate branch of the US Military! They have uniforms and  rankings and these cool skirts and stuff. They salute each other and then I guess they go down into some bunker where they get the missles ready to deploy on my ex boyfriend Will’s supergonnorhea.

I’m making that last part up.

The missles, not the supergonorrhea.

The kitty was aiight I’d still -

Anyway!

During the re-design there was a huge push to edit the content to a (sixth? eighth? fourth?) grade reading level. A couple of a people were copying and pasting articles manually from the old template to the new redesigned template.

So, yeah I know who and what they are and yo hablo un poco some evidence based approaches or whatever I guess.

I just remember someone casually handing me the article for alcoholism.

I finished that one.

Then they’d slide me the one for addiction.

So I finished that one.

Are you... tryna say something?

Fuck that’s so shady we should have been friends! 😭😭😭

And then I was asked to not return.

Story of my life. “What the fuck was he ON?”

*whips out the adding machine and starts punching buttons furiously*

Fuck!! What wasn’t I on? I don’t even know what’s in the trail mix!!!

I remembered them and included some info about them this time.

Posted at at July 08, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:

So much for that idea


Posted at at July 08, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:

Start them early, I guess

If it were my kid, I’d be snatching credit card brochures out of their hands until they’re about 40.


Posted at at July 05, 2019 on Friday, July 5, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Mousetrap


Posted at at July 04, 2019 on Thursday, July 4, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

So that I may see the face of God in all people and all experiences


Little Thérèse
Spending your eternal Heaven
Doing good upon the earth

I ask, please,
Pick a bloom from the gardens of Paradise
And send it down to me
With a message
Of your gentle love

Oh little flower, Thérèse,
Powerful, in every need, body and spirit,
From the heart of God
Please, grant this favor, and now, please,
Confidence, in your hands,
I beseech you

Send me your majestic rain of roses
So that I may share your grace
Bless me with blooms of lily
Blooms of violet
Blooms of buttercups
Blooms of lilac
Blooms of jasmine
Blooms of hyacinth
Blooms of honeysuckle
Blooms of magnolia
Blooms of gardenia
Blooms of tuberose
Let fall from Heaven, please,
The Shower of Flowers
Let me be anointed with the splendor of their perfumed essence
So that I may see the face of God
In all people, and in all experiences.

Oh my glorious sister Thérèse
Prodigy of miracles
Your petals unfurled
I implore your miraculous intercession
Whisper to me,
Help me to always
Trust as you did
In God our Father's great love for me
So that in your fragrant path
I might imitate your venerable little way
and walk heroically
Holding the blossom of grace with me each day.
Amen.

Let fall from Heaven, please,
The Shower of Flowers
Let me be anointed with the splendor of their perfumed essence
So that I may see the face of God in all people and in all experiences
So that in your fragrant path
I might imitate your venerable little way.

Posted at at July 03, 2019 on Wednesday, July 3, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Ohhhhh, “Lid.” 😒


Posted at at July 02, 2019 on Tuesday, July 2, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Eight rainbows in the Utah sky, watching clouds reflect in puddles as I’m driving by

Mormons believe that the earth will be renewed and rebuilt to its paradisiacal glory. I hope they carefully disassemble Utah, put it away in storage, and then put it back exactly the way that it is. Except maybe without the plastic litter.






Posted at at July 01, 2019 on Monday, July 1, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Flowers

On some level I believe we are all connected at source and that we are little raindrops of light in an ocean of light.

There is nothing that I am that you are not.

In that space everything that I experience and everything that you experience and everything we all experience occurs and exists simultaneously and without contradiction.

Heaven knows what you’ve been through.

My worst enemy is my brother or my sister or my friend. Will I remember that? Will you?

This whole idea of white light or source is a little too celestial and abstract, even if you believe in this you can forget it when you need to remember it most, just like everyone else.

That visualization and that concept work in the realm of the spirit where we are all connected as one but it’s not as tangible on our divided and broken planet.

What is the term for a paradigm where I can’t be something without there also being something that I am not? I’ll edit this when I remember where I’m going with it.

EDIT: Duality !!

I love the idea of flowers:

Roses and violets and wildflowers and daffodils and pretty little purple flowers growing in Utah along with the dandelions pushing up through some concrete.

Flowers are a better metaphor for the reality of what people are while they’re here.

That’s actually something I think I can put into daily practice.

Posted at at July 01, 2019 on by |   | Filed under: