Sometimes people don’t want your “amends.”

Update 10/15/2019 — I’m leaving this entry up to speak from a place where you’re fucking done with everyone and everything.. and don’t even give a shit enough to try again ... and where you go from there when you’re working with that.

Next time you grease up the wheels on the AA Apology Tour bus, skip my town. The way this works,  is NOT apologizing and apologizing and apologizing for eternity until I’m not angry anymore.

No one had the respect or courtesy to sit down with me over a coffee and read that stupid fucking book you’re always blathering about like you would have for any other person. Instead, you did this to me. I got railroaded or brown nosed depending on what you people wanted.

I get it: I’m not, and I never have been, Mother Theresa.

But if I was a newcomer or not on the service team you didn’t like me and banned me.

If I was on the service team, I was a no good piece of shit or I was preventing you from clawing your way to your rightful place on the scratching post.

Doesn’t fucking matter what role I held, you people treated me like shit and abused me for 7 years and then I owned/ran it for the next three years ... whereupon you treated me even worse than ever.

Oooooo, look at me, I hate the principal, I’m so fucking edgy! Coolest addict ever. 😎

Of course the one person who is trying to beat down my door.... is Susie ... and I want to throw a chair when she texts or emails me.

Instead of taking 5 minutes to pick up a phone and ask if someone’s okay, the whole lot of you will spend 15 minutes gossiping about how they’re not okay by your estimation.

I wish I had a cutesie little fucking Saturday Night Sermon about how I overcame shit and you should buy into the NA Hope Ponzi Scheme, but maybe I don’t. Maybe I have a horrible story. I’m tired of substances, I’m tired of the program, I’m tired of the people in the program, and I’m tired of starting over in any sense of the term.

Nonetheless I am desperate for you to fuck off and stop contacting me. For fucks sake, NA claims it isn’t a cult, but where Susie is concerned the Witnesses would cringe at how she’s chased current and former members down.

The Witnesses have a protocol to make an ANNUAL contact and I don’t even want that much from Susie. I would rather be put in leg irons and dragged to the gulag for toilet scrubbing.

My grandma had 20+ years sober in AA and it made me sad to read her letters to my mom, because no matter what she did in her life my mom didn’t really want anything to do with her for a long time.

Towards the end they finally met and hung out now and again. I think Sharon was wonderful and I think my mom does too. But you will never pine or cry for my love or telephone call like a mother in recovery does for her alienated daughter.

Apology heard and accepted, I guess, but look. I’m with the daughters on this one, I pine and cry almost as urgently to not EVER see your name or number or email pop up on my phone again.

Yeah I miss and love a few people I fucked it up with and I could go chasing them down forever against their firmly stated wishes and boundaries — which is totally an asshole fucking alcoholic  thing to do — or cry into my fucking beer about it like a Good Guy Alcoholic.

Life is too short to waste any more of it than I already have, anywhere I’m not loved or wanted or missed as badly.

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